1:06pm: http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.ListAll&friendID=273941726

Erin may be dead, but Distance lives on, and is a myspace ho.

7:47pm: This is the last one.
Don't take this with a pinch of salt. Don't disregard me!!! There is NO LIFE here for me anymore. Don't take this lightly!!! I'm sick of it!!! DONT LAUGH IT OFF!!!!!! I'm sick of screaming inside, I'm sick of feeling this. TAKE ME SERIOUSLY FOR ONCE!!!

Sing me to sleep, sing me sleep. I don't want to wake up on my own anymore.

...Please know however, that I did choose you, although these days it's something I regret more than I can say. Everything could have been different, but I chose what I thought was the 'safe' option. And please know, as well, that I really did give everything I was after that. Until there was nothing left. But everything wasn't enough. I was never, not ever, good enough. You have humiliated me and made a joke of the life I thought I had. The life I thought was safe, was going to be forever. How dare you pretend when there was no love there. Not for me, only for what I could do for you. Because real love is forever. Fuck you if you can't understand that. That's why I'm going. Gone.

Sing to me, sing to me. And then leave me alone. Don't try to wake me in the morning - cuz I will be gone.

Every time I go past that photo machine in the city, I remember that night. When I used to see it before, I would feel sad, because I lost you, because I didn't have the strength to choose you. But lately, I smile. And I think that night is my favourite memory now. Because it was real. Everything with you was always real. I remember all those nights and I loved you so much it hurt inside. For the first time, for the last time, it was real. I don't know what happens now. I don't mind so much, not anymore. "Some of us prefer illusion to despair". I wish I hadn't taken the easy way out. I just didn't want to be alone. I thought there would always be room for me there, and that gave me the kind of joy I never thought I deserved. It just wasn't real. It really was a dellusion, the kind I swore I'd never indulge again. But god, it did feel real. So betrayed, so destroyed by that. I guess first impressions should not be taken so lightly. Because I knew. I knew it and for a while I could deny it, but in the end I felt it changing. I felt it slipping. I felt you slip away, a little more each day. To hell with you for making me think I was just being stupid. I hope you die for the misery that you gave me (Gyroscope lyric skillfully inserted).

Well that's about all I have to say about everything. It doesn't matter how much I rage about anything that's happened, it doesn't change it. Goodbye, everyone, and believe me when I say it. A little more each day, soon I won't exist any more. This life is completely and utterly ashes. Why do I have to be the one!? Come when I'm called and leave when I'm told to, always!!! I'm always the one that gets replaced, I'm the one that gets my life ripped to pieces! I fucking hate you, I will hate you as long as I live!!! And don't take any of this lightly, i'm sick of being laughed at! You can all laugh, just as much as you like, and by the time you stop you'll realise I wasn't FUCKING JOKING!

Don't feel bad for me, I want you to know. Deep in the cell of my heart I will feel so glad to go.

And yeah, it actually -was- so that you'd smell like him.

1:21pm: I'm waiting for the sign, have to leave this place behind where no one knows my name.
Well this has certainly been a weekend of little sleep and too many stimulants. Friday night went to Club Phoenix with Matt and Tracey. Ran into old friend Helen, Dave and a couple of other people. Ended up getting home about 1pm on Saturday and falling asleep for a few hours, before heading to Schverkraft. Was good times, danced till my foot bled. Got cracked onto a lot. Didn't drink much due to limited funds. But oh, what a night. Had really good chats with a few people although one in particular has me questioning my whole self image. Well, I don't know, it's a defence mechanism I can't get by without putting my walls up and being distant from people who make my life hurt. There's only a few people that I ever really let my guard down with, although I'd never really thought about it before. But really what does it matter? I'm not good enough anyway, so why not be distant?

I wish an attractive person of some description would turn up at my door right now with an anti pesto platter for me. I really, really wish my friends would stop reporting things to me that they see. I don't want to know, MEANS, I don't want to know! I know they mean well, but I wish people could understand that the smallest thing can trigger me, I'm barely staying afloat as it is so to speak. Maybe I shouldn't be so closed off to everyone cuz then maybe they'd see that I'm screaming inside. But I can't. How do you SLEEP at night?


Me and Jen after Schverkraft closed, dancing to our mp3 players...Note at this point my toes were bleeding, but I was too hyped up to realise. SAFE FOREVER!!! FOREVER!!!

I start my traineeship thing tomorrow, woah scary. Here's hoping I do not screw up. Here's pictures.


What went wrong cuz you said this was right...

( Photos of a weekend of excess )

9:31pm: It's only once you've lost everything that you're free to do anything
( Mercy Seat )
gosh I love this song. Eh today was a bit of a waste of time. Travelled to Chermside to get my RSA but was unable to locate the place I needed to go, receiving several different versions of directions lol. Eh, it's all good. Strangely though, yet again, I found myself getting paranoid and very worried at the thought that I was there for nothing. Like I was sure that I had to be there for some REASON, and I was just waiting for that something to happen...Well it was strange and I thought that it was behind me but I suppose not. Relapse, fall apart and start again. Nothing left to lose. The trick is to keep breathing...

Damn you! Your'e so fucked up and alone! You take me, you take EVERYONE!

Yeah sorry, TRP interrupted my flow of writing. I think that was about all I needed to say though. I've felt incredibly sick from the heat the past week it's not been fun. So much to do and I procrastinate by doing -nothing-. I've been dreaming of the same place all week though. It doesn't even exist as far as I know. It's a place I live in my dreams though, a little flat above a club/shopping centre type place. And often other people are there too, but not in my flat. They're all downstairs in the club or at the shops. And if I'm there, they look right through me.

So, who's gonna be the one that crashes and burns? I think it will probably be you.

8:42pm: Don't bide your time
'Cause it is almost over
And I know you're down
And I'll see you around

And I know it hurts
But you're just getting older
And I know you'll win
You'll do it once again

Just yesterday
It always seemed like such a dream
We're unstoppable, indestructable
Nothing happens to our machine

And there's no harm
At least nothing we can see
As for you, not so true
You couldn't choose where his road would lead

What a loss
You just lost all your sleep
And we've always thought
That this could never happen, you see

That it's so hard
You gotta get up on your feet
'Cause the only way, I gotta say
Is to move on through the week

Don't bide your time
'Cause it is almost over
And I know you're down
And I'll see you around

And I know it hurts
But you're just getting older
And I know you'll win
You'll do it once again

I'm sorry [x16]
(I'm sorry...) this happened to you [x4]

Don't bide your time
'Cause it is almost over
And I know you're down
And I'll see you around

And I know it hurts
But you're just getting older
And I know you'll win
You'll do it once again

I'm so worried about Tracey...I wish there was something anyone could do, even if it's not me, I just wish I knew. I wish I knew anything.

I got a job, though. Everything else that's going on with me is quite meaningless and transient. I can't indulge my emotions anymore, not for me. Just for her.

1:17pm: Let's drive for the storm again...

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	3.3
Mind:	2.7
Body:	4.5
Spirit:	2.9
Friends/Family:	5
Love:	0
Finance:	2.9
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Last night was incredibly average, which was sad. I just wasn't feeling it. It's not just my own =crap=, there were a couple of other factors. Eh, just more reasons to reject the idea of 'God'. I mean seriously. One person might want something so badly, and they can't have it. Someone who doesn't want it, gets it, and kills it. I just feel like I'm standing in the middle of the city and I'm screaming 'No don't let it be like this this isn't how things should be!! Don't let every fucking good thing in this world be a lie, don't let it be like this!' But no one can hear me.

O well, next weekend should be better. Sigh. The one who tore my life up is selling me artificial happiness. That's not really a fair trade, but it's humourous, I think. Well yeah I didn't take any photos last night. I don't know it was just odd. I just don't feel like myself lately. This past week has just been...so bizarre. I feel horrendously odd. HORRENDOUSLY! I know some truly beautiful people, though. I just hope this passes soon. I wake up in terror all the time I feel like someone is slipping me some really bad pills every 4 hours or something. Man I want chips and swiss cheese.

11:15pm: Tonight means nothing if we stay....
"My father says that almost the whole world is asleep. Everybody you know, everybody you see, everybody you talk to. He says that only a few people are awake, and they live in a state of constant, total amazement."

Strange week so far. Who is really in control, here? I don't think it's me, although I like to tell myself I am. That it gives me power. But really, it may just be what I've always done, and that's why I've been kind of down the past few days. Come when I'm called and leave when you tell me to.

But, it's a new beginning now, as cliched and ridiculously naive as that may sound. And yes, yes it hurts every day every minute. But I'm too distant from it all to care right now. I'm going to stay in control, I have to. I can't get back what's been ripped from me, so I have to do without it now. It hurts and it's cruel and hard and bitter. But from now on, I intend to expect more than I think I deserve. And the gods know, I've always deserved better than -that-.

Before too long...
A lesson learned to stand downwind and watch it burn.
To the lake wash away any trace of yesterday.
I'll take you home it'll be alright.
Tonight means nothing if we stay.
Tonight means nothing
Staying here will only breed obsession - and I'm already obsessed
If everything you see is your possession then I'm already possessed.
Careful kid, this is not your song (although it could be before too long)


Distance.

"...I'm not gonna tell you who you are. I don't know who you are. I know who wants to know. It's taken me all my life to find out who I am and I'm tired of your...."

7:12pm: GO AWAI
Yesterday...rocked. So much. Went out for breakfast in Southbank in the morning...well actually we missed breakfast (finishes at 11am!!! Psshhh), but had other stuff stuff which was groovy. Then wandered the city/valley with Adrian and later met up with Rawry, Steph and Dice. Twas nice, although we stayed out a bit late and I had a mad rush to try get ready for the Fascination Street Ball. Arrgghhh such a good time! Unfreakinbelieveable. After Wednesday night's antibiotics + alcohol debaucle, I took it easy on the beer. I think I rather prefer being a sober idiot to being a drunken idiot. Not enough darncing was had...well it closed at 1 so there wasn't much time :(. But it was still good fun, and afterwards went to the Pancake Manor with Adrian, Mark and Didly. Weeoooo I totally stole some of her wedges with cheese on them!~!!!!! They should freakin well put cheese on EVERYTHING!

Well here are pics from the manor. Well...Adrian camwhored mostly. Eh but if I were that good at it, I spose I would as well ;P. giggity giggity giggity GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <<

Note that these were taken after we had all been clubbing and then walked from New Farm to the Pancake Manor, hence tired expressions, smudged makeup. Trashy is the new hot, though. Sure! Gosh I look tired.



( more more more more more!!!!! )

11:13pm: We'll both forget the breeze - most of the time
Well I'm a bit late with my 'weekend entry' due to a couple of factors. First and foremost, Centrelink have officially made me their bitch and are actually making me DO THINGS for my lousy pay. Second, this chest infection type disease which has taken me over seems to be getting worse. Hopefully the antibiotics which I self medicated myself with will do the trick.

Well, Friday night Faith was pretty good as per usual. A bit more chilled out than weeks past and less dancing than there should have been. This was due to my sickness which seems to bring about lethargy, and to the extreme heat on the dancefloor which made me more content to sit outside in the breeze. Underwear was shown, a girl was kissed, advances were made (not by me), and little sleep was had afterwards. Some people were 'nice' to me due to their 'good moods'. Which was...nice. All my friends were simply amazing as usual, with little exception.

Saturday, headed out to the middle of nowhere for my mum's birthday. FIFTY! Arg. Yeah, my cousin and aunties were up from Tasmania, and were joined by others at mum's birthday dinner that night. My goodness, much food was had. All you can eat is my poison. Spent the night at their place and although that house is fraught with memories I'd rather repress, I think all in all it was an okay time. I think my mum enjoyed the night and that is what matters. I hope that she did, because she f***ing well deserves it. Outlet shopping on Sunday in Harbourtown. Not much of interest was found although for some reasons I got a new pair of chux. They are fairly nice, and my old ones are quite disgusting and stained with red dirt. So eh. Now I just need a new outfit to go with them. Which isn't going to happen because my funds are, once again, dangerously low.

And again, with this. Well at the moment I'm just focussing on getting over this chest infection. It's far too hard to think about life or the direction it's going in or what I want, when I'm feeling like this. That said, I really, really, should be taking my sleeping pills and going to bed very soon. I need to be in Mitchelton at 9am. A cunning plan by the government to un-reverse my sleeping pattern. Sigh. They just don't want you to be happy.

And now, the pics from Faith :)


Oh whose underwear is that?! Yeah it was glowing in the UV. Sadly you can't tell that. So I just look like I'm flashing for no REASON. But there WAS a reason, I assure you.
( More pics pics pics )

and now a brief musical interlude:

Remember when you ran away and I got on my knees and begged you not to leave because I'd go berzerk?
Well, you left me anyhow and the days got worse and worse and now you see I've gone completely out of my mind.

And: They're coming to take me away Ha Ha
They're coming to take me away ho ho he he ha ha
to the funny farm where life is beautiful all the time, and I'll be happy to see those nice young men in their clean white coats
and they're coming to take me away ha ha! (x2)

You thought it was joke and so you laughed, you laughed when I had said that losing you would make me flip my lid, right?
You know you laughed, I heard you laugh, you laughed, you laughed and laughed and then you left, but now you know I'm utterly mad!!!!

And and and and and and and.... they're coming to take me away Ha Ha
They're coming to take me away ho ho he he ha ha
to the funny farm where life is beautiful all the time, and I'll be happy to see those nice young men in their clean white coats
and they're coming to take me away ha ha!
they're coming to take me away Ha Ha
They're coming to take me away ho ho he he ha ha
To the happy home with trees and flowers and chirping birds and basket weavers who sit and smile and twiddle their thumbs and toes
They're coming to take me away ha ha!!

I cooked your food, I cleaned your house, and this is how you paid me back for all my kind unselfish loving deeds. Huh?!!!
Well you just wait they'll find you yet, and when they do they'll put you in the ASPCA you mangy mutt.

They're coming to take me away Ha Ha
They're coming to take me away ho ho he he ha ha
To the funny farm where life is beautiful all the time and I'll be happy to see those nice men in their clean white coats
And they're coming to take me away Ha Ha
They're coming to take me away Ha Ha
They're coming to take me away ho ho!
To the happy home with trees and flowers and chirping birds and basket weavers who sit and smile and twiddle their thumbs and toes
They're coming to take me away Ha Ha
They're coming to take me away! they're coming to take me away! They're coming to take me away! They're coming to take me away! .........

3:44pm: All that's left is what you broke.

12:45am: Doctor Doctor
Doctor Doctor help me
Doctor Doctor help me
Try to, try to help me
Doctor Doctor help me

Welcome back to the Sunday before you cut me,
Thinking back to the Monday you tried to blame me,
Looking back remember your revenge attacked me,
Rush of blood to the head of your line that crossed me,

Looking out, taking cover in case you saw me,
From the top, taking note of the notes you wrote me,
Looking back remember your attention drew me,
Hear me out, double cross - just cross me,

Doctor Doctor help me (help me)
Doctor Doctor help me (when will I see?)
Try to, try to help me (help me)
Doctor Doctor help me (when will I see?)

Hope you die for the misery that you gave me.
Hope you die, hope you die - love from me.

Doctor Doctor help me (help me)
Doctor Doctor help me (when will i see?)
Try to, try to help me (help me)
Doctor Doctor help me!

1:24am:

Faith is still fun - wish it was still at the old place though so I could have been watching Firefly with sound in the dark cold room! I miss the dark cold room.

Helen, you're the bomb you eljay emo nerd you :)


angry people are hilarious when their anger is not directed at you. You can quote me on that, too.

8:05pm: In the sea of life you're just a minnow
Runescape! (Erin_Autumn world 112)

my sick mad blue mystic robes with air tiara

My sexy back (since i lost my cape...woops...but hey nice back!)

and with matching mystic hat

back in the noob days in princess dress

*new robes!!!!* Erin Autumn is now Gawth As Hell Lyke LOLLLL!!

oh yeah who is the man i believe it is me

still sexy back! (Why is it that with pretty much all the robes in rs, if a boy wears them they cover them completely, but if a girl does she shows her midriff?? must be enchanted in some way!)

Yeah didn't do much today at all just cleaned the house and then played runescape pretty fun huh? Back to work tomorrow but on holidays for a week and a half starting next monday...should be a barrel of laughs, with added barrel. Faith on Friday night didn't take my camera though so no pictures this time. Everything is grey right now. there's a hole in my heart and it swallowed my voice. never even had a chance! But emo statements aside, I think everything is gonna be fine. There's so much good in life and you can't let one cloud blot out the whole sun and if it does you have to remember that it's only one cloud. Or maybe 2. But I mean...I'm still here, aren't I? Even when I disappear I'll still be here.

6:36pm: This is all just...
Yeah you know what? Everything doesn't happen for a reason. Everything is random and cruel and no matter what a good person you are how the world will still find yet another way to f*** you over, or at least people will. You have to make things happen and not just expect that things are going to work out the way they should because they never do. There is no right or wrong way that anything can work out, so f*** existentialism (sp). None of it means a damn thing, and it's time I stopped expecting any different. There is no light at the end of this tunnel it was all just fake and it was never there at all and I just don't have the energy to care anymore. This year I am going to be as cold as the moon. I'm so tired of caring.

9:50am: "You're not a bad person. You're a terrific person. You're my favorite person. But sometimes....you can be a real cunt." - Kill Bill Volume 2.
New Years Eve is so lame; welcome to another year of utter shit. People are all completely gay.
I swear to god I'm allergic to Matt's couch it makes me itchy as all hell. Shower time.


I grew my hair especially - that joke got old so fast.

Dedicated bouncers at Faith - then my battery died woops. Not much else happened anyway so it's okay.


Yeah you're all gay.

12:59pm: Happy New Year Ashtray Hearts
Yeah here is the quiz I did last year and figured i should do the same one a year later. Man i've been keeping this journal for what four years now?!

( New )

2:53pm: You thought you could have it all
Well hey what can you do, right? Everything is as it was so here's some photos.

Nice hair though, right? And Tracey was at Faith last night so woot that was cool. yeah here's more.
( god I'm unphotogenic )
Punk rock, peace out, Im going to play Runescape until my brain is dead. I just don't know what to do anymore I don't know what I should do with my life or if I'm making the right choices. I was all set to move house but now it seems like it's a stupid idea so I'll wait at least 3 months till the lease expires and then see what's gonna happen I guess...Besides I can't just abandon Michelle but now I've let Marty down and I'm feeling like barbed wire and everyone's so helpful and so sorry and I just don't want to inconvenience anyone and I don't want to hurt anyone with my stupid emotional baggage. I'm so gone. I saw forever and never and always and maybe all in one glance and I can't keep on going like this while I feel this way and it's no one's fault but mine. Nothing bothered me for so long I was just numb to things if they were too painful I could just shut them out and not think about it and just look at the stars and be gone. I guess you just can't do that forever and I need to just be alone and I need to not forget that some people are just meant to be alone and I have to find the strength not to care anymore!!!

I can't TAKE it anymore, when I'm WITH you I FEEL LIKE I AM NOTHING! I feel like I'm nothing!! And that’s why i don’t like it when you touch me, that’s why I never touch you , why I don't even THINK about it, cause when I start to it just reminds me that I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH!

2:19am: Christmas 2006
Goodness gracious is Christmas over again for another year already? Crazy how time gets away from you like that. I'll rant more about that on new years I'm sure...Well did the family thing today it was nice, played Runescape with my brothers tonight it was good fun. Mum liked the bracelet I got her which made me happy, and Christian didn't want me to leave which made me feel kind of happy but sad cuz I took for granted getting to see them every day and now they're growing up and I feel absent from their lives. And I never knew any of them cared about that, not in a harsh way that is, but I never felt like they wanted me there anyway so it didn't matter when I went away. But Christian's gonna come stay with us one weekend so that will be nice I guess I'm just maternal as hell and I miss having little kids around even though they drove me crazy sometimes when I was at home. I wonder if will I ever have kids of my own? God knows what's gonna happen in years to come although it's never been on my agenda and truely I doubt it. I thought having little brothers would have put me off wanting or needing to have kids of my own but I miss them and I just want someone to care about I guess. Haha I'm just a lonely old crone aren't I...Well here are pics of the little rugrats that I took.

Christian wouldn't let me take a photo of him unless I let him hold my Becks. This kid is so cute!!! He got me the most lovely little Christmas present too.

Alex with his Wii or whatever it is. This boy is level 98 or something on Runescape. Not to be messed with for sure.

Joel has teenage angst x 10. He also has good taste in music and can make me laugh a lot.
Yepp that's the end of this god damn sentimental entry let's never speak of it again.

3:58pm: The only thing I ever wanted the only thing I ever needed...
Well we started stocktake at work on Thursday which is always a laugh riot. I get Monday and Tuesday off and then I'm back in again on Wednesday for more dusty cd counting fun. Yeah well work is work I guess and you gotta work to live; and so long as you don't live to work everything is okay. I need to get a wok I made the most awesome chinese stir fry today for lunch my god it was good...Also cleaned the house thank god for that I got it all done...for someone who had about 3 hours sleep last night I think I'm doing well tonight although I don't think I'm gonna make it out tonight even though Tracey wants to go somewhere...And Allie's birthday party is at Holland Park but I didn't get the bloody address silly me...I dunno I'll see what happens punk rock...

Faith last night with Matt which was a lot of fun. Met some nice people, danced badly, the usual deal. Also got into Matt's pants.
They were very baggy and made me feel uber masculine! Hopefully pictures will come soon! For now there are only pictures of him in my dress...Which is hilarious go the boxers! Yeah my camera ran out of batteries and then I couldn't be bothered putting new ones in...lazy.

It looks better on him than it does on me!

That's a good lookin boy right there.
( More of That Boy - put these on your myspace Matt rofl! )
I always did what I thought was right and tried to be true to myself and treat everyone with some kind of respect even when they had none for me. The new year looms and I've not got much to show for 06, tattoos and piercings aside. It's funny to think that this time last year I was still chasing David and I wonder what he did with that painting I did for him I wonder did he throw it out, I wonder is he happy? I hope that everyone would just be happy and then everything would be fine... But there's never a happily ever after and the longer you live the more you realise that and the more you have to learn to accept things for what they are. Please, please let it be true that everything happens for a reason because that's all I've got, it's the only thing that got me through these years. I may have fucked up the best thing that never happened to me but because of that I've found a whole bunch of other stuff that I never knew I always wanted. Please let it be the way things should be because or else there's just no point to any of this, no point at all. I know worrying about things that I have no control over is stupid and self defeating and only leads to hurting everyone I care about because they see the cracks and see I'm not a sparkly happy person 24-7 and it used to overwhelm me but lately I just don't have the energy to care so much. So long as I could be there for the people that matter the most then that's the best I can do, right? I'm doing okay, aren't I? You can't wish your problems away and I feel guilty every 11:11 wish I make because I think I'm making the wrong wishes and lately my wishes come true and it scares me. So many people have asked me over the years what's the point of living, and why should they go on. I go on because tomorrow could be the best day of my life. That's all I've got.

7:12pm: More Pictures Surface!
Cheh! Yet more pics have emerged from the Christmas party. I'm pretty sure this will be the last lot. Marvel at my drunkness! Yeah nothing new to report here that's worthy of eljay ranting. Work is tiring but Christmas is almost here. Christmas shopping is all pretty much done, didn't go out on the weekend (OH MY GAWD NO WAI!), just went shopping with my mum.... and I've started playing Runescape again for the first time in about six years. I demand WOW! This Runescape business leaves my MMORPG needs somewhat unfulfilled....but for now it's at least something to fill the days. That's so sad but it's true. Well at least there are a couple of things that make me smile and make life a little less empty it's kind of nice. Counting down to the weekend as usual...Anyways here's the pics:

"Stop cracking onto me you drunk emo, go FAR AWAY OVER THERE!" - Jennifer wants me she just doesn't know it...

Peace! Love! Beer!
( MORE PICS HERE )

8:47pm: Lovecats Christmas Party
Lovecats Christmas thing last night. It didn't feel very Christmassy to me where was the Christmas tree?!!Yeah went in with Mindi had a romantic citycat ride to Matt and Krystle's not that I like cocktails or anything beer only yeah...yeah that's right. SHHHH. But yeah Mindi was pretty stressed out most of the night and then disappeared after I saw her do her sucker dance at Bar Burlesque that was pretty groovy...she's still MIA which is worrying...I wish I had some marshmallows :( Yeah good times last night. Caught up with Bianca and Danny, and also ran into Laura and her boyfriend whose name escapes me. Crazy kids were probably home by 9.30pm woaaahhh slow down....Yeahhh danced a lot with Skanker and Danny and also with Michelle and Krystle who puts my spazzing that I try to pass off as dancing right the way to shame...
Lovecats pwns j00r noob butt right to iggie land. All very good. Yes.
MARSHMALLOWS REQUEST x 100!
Yeah it was a good wholesome time for all involved and here are some pikchurrres bitchuuurres:

Mindi is cool.

I wore Krystle's shoes my two week long dream has been realised.
( more pics from Lovecats )
I'm so tired. Please send me marshmallows.

11:45am: The Saturday Morning Entry
Last night was pretty good. Got there kind of late, left way too early, but apart from that top stuff all around! Oh the dancing...the dancing...
Got to hang out with Bec a fair bit who is a freakin awesome girl. Also saw my MYSPACE FRIENDS Kara and Gus those kids are so silly! (I hope no one ever gets offended when I keep calling everyone kids it's not that I think I'm above everyone else or anything I call myself a kid as well....)Oh yeah and finally caught up with Mina after waaay too long..Hadn't seen that girl since The Weekend With The Valium which is a weekend I don't particularly remember...Danced a lot with Chelle, Skanker and Pete which was awesome fun. Yeah I changed Michelle's name to Chelle now. Oh yeah and it was brought to my attention that Slipknot have a thing for Michelle. Ewww sick.
Anyways tonight is the Christmas party so I gotta get laundry and housework done (or probably just go watch Buffy which I can hear playing the lounge and drink cola...or maybe go back to sleep). Here are some pikchores:

Howaaaahhh I wanna marry this girl
( pikchooorrres continued )

8:25pm: Don't You! Try to tell me! that your life! FEELS EMPTY!
Yeah FATA still rock my socks right off. Yeah another week of work, 10 hour days are good for money but not for my mental health. Christmas is the time for us to get totally swamped in work it seems...Cheh like anyone WANTS a bargain bin cd for Christmas! You just know we'll be getting them ALL back come January! Thankfully today was less stressful than the days have been previously and I feel more like myself and not so much emotionally drained Erin. Sooo off to Faith tonight I think 75% chance at least! Got some more photos from the Christmas party oh man is this what I look like when I'm wasted?!

That's freakin hilarious!!! Yeah I look good on the dancefloor....o_O
Anyways...yeah things are going along as normal, I gotta ring my mum and thank her for the Christmas card she sent me...Another 'You are a wonderful daughter' card...They make me feel special though I really, really wanna get her a nice present this year...Oh yeah it was Vinny's last day at work today too bad so sad...I will always remember our heavy metal song:
(soft, tuneful singing)I don't want to be at work, I want to go home
I want to play computer games...
(screaming) NAKED!!!! ABSOLUTELY NAKED!!!!
Cheh you kind of had to be there. Here's another pic of me being wasted:

I LOVE TROY'S HAT!!! Ahhh my little Troyjee....you make me smiiiile so much.
( a couple more )
yeah a couple of them didn't load properly I gotta get it again...anyways I'm out of it I gotta go hit the cola hardcore and then beer up and bus out...Later kids.

12:12pm: MRA Christmas Party 2006
'Christmas comes but once a year...kind of like your MUM!'. (crickets)
Another year at that place and another party. This year it was held at work which was thrifty of them. The place looked really nice though it hardly looked like work at all. I was pretty out of it all night having not had much sleep on Friday night, but it was pretty cool. I got lots of hugs and some dances and my date was the hottest date ever. I also had sex with Sarah behind a portaloo which is so classy I can't believe it. (psych!) Marty said we could go to Molotov but then I do not think we ever got there. Scene missing, corona, scene missing, wake up on my bed fully clothed. Here are pictures, note that they stopped abruptly after the bus ride to the valley, besides a couple of wtf is going on ones. I kind of wish they hadn't because just quietly - I DO NOT KNOW HOW I GOT HOME!
Apart from that, it was a pretty good night. Punk rock for life.

Dresses make you cool.

We are so hot right now, yes? Yes.
( MRA Christmas Party 2006 )
P.S. I'm having a lot of trouble with this living thing lately. I just wish I knew what to do. But what do I always do? Just sit back and go with the flow and never say anything. God I'm a fag. I just don't know what to do. I just don't know.
Damned if I do damned if I don't.

8:44pm: It's time I confessed....
Yes, I am in fact, gay. I think my family will be okay with it cuz they've always suspected it, I think. Ever since I said all I wanted to be when I grew up was Xena...And now I can hide no longer and I would like everyone to direct their attention to this link:

http://gayqueensland.net/pix/parties/15-44.html

The sad part is that Mattie has been outted as well, and I'm not sure if he was ready yet...Blame www.gayqueensland.com!

x posted to myspace cuz I'm an emo fag.

I'll update with a high res pic when they email it to me :)

9:00pm: Smile
Smiles like the Mona Lisa
Makes me lose my way
And find it again
In one word.
And I'm wishing on the stars
On 11:11
On dandelions
And I'm wondering
Am I making the right wishes?
One for sorrow
Two for mirth
Three's a funeral
Four for a birth
Five for love
Six for hate
Seven for a secret, told too late.
Awake with a jolt to find
Nothing just a
Half remembered dream
Where the smile reached your eyes
And everything was fine.

7:32pm: Went to Taboo last night at the Shamrock. Good times, good times...Saw Miss Mindi dance, made some new friends, and spent time with the coolest guy I know. Check out http://www.gayqueensland.net cuz our pic is gonna be on their social section I think...I'm not sure why.
Yeah here are some photos....

Aw.

I'm not sure why but Skank Head was handing out those masky things. They're funneeehhh

Smiling in a photo?! You're not goth at all Mattie!
yeah damn good weekend indeed.

3:16pm: Bruce Campbell Like Totally Pwns J00r n00b butt
I SAW FATA!!! Drool drool drool all over my god damn gig boots. Also played pool. I like pool. One day I'm going to not lose. Positive thinking right there!

Oh yeh Jack asked me to marry him. Mostly I just wanna wear the ring...

Yeah guess what I did last night? Pishhh insert my generic Saturday afternoon entry: Went to Faith last night talked to lots of awesome people danced crazily drank too much beer ahhh everyone is AWESOMELY AWESOME! And also they all want to sex my tshirt. Yeah almost didn't go but I was sitting on the couch eating chips in my underwear and watching Harry Potter 2 with really shocking reception, and I was instructed to go put on pants and get in the car. What can I say, I am easily influenced by others. Like punk rock. Anyways going out tonight to the Shamrock for Taboo (MINDI IS DANCING AT TABOO EVERYONE COME SEE HER!!).

Here's the customary pictures. Remember, I'm not emo I was just overtired. Don't sass me, kids! Sadly, I lost my Hecate necklace :( No more dark moon power for me...do you think you can get the power of Bruce Campbell in the necklace? That'd be freakin sweet.


Sitting on the side of the road is the new cool

( Adventures with goth kids )

Annnd then I went and caffienated myself.
Check out more pics here: http://pumperlandl.proboards105.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=photos&thread=1164426975&page=1
And also join our forum it's dying.

9:53pm: Faaaiiithh...err again
Vinyl dresses are the stuff dreams are made of. Seriously good night last night, once again. I've been trying to sleep all day but I think the caffeine won't allow it so here I am. Going to see Friend Or Foe (Ben is the drummer!!) tonight, and probably going to Pure or whatever it is that's on tonight...

As for last night Mindi wasn't herself though and it made me feel bad. I never know what to do....I hope she knows that I would do anything to make her feel better but all I can really do in the end is listen. And last night I couldn't be on her level because I was just...happy. And Pete was overly drunk. But Emma came out for a while, and it was great to see her again. Other stuff that happened...Allie ditched us again (probably went to Rics - euurrrgh!), Bec gave me a clip on glowstick earring that rocks, they ran out of Tooheys New (broken heart), talked to lots of nice people, danced a little bit, smoked too much, hung out with my favourite people...

Yeah two different girls said the same thing to me. 'You're so skinny....I HATE you!'. Cheh! Skinny like a FOX! ...that's a bad joke but I haven't had any sleep so that's okay.

I took lots of photos...here are some of them =D

Last weekend versus this weekend. Yeah I'm kind of frightened of cameras when I'm not drinking. doi.
( more photos - Mature Audiences Only )

5:50am: Funny videos
I am just browsing youtube and thought I would share. thanks Helga for the first one it's fantastical. I've never met a red head without freckles. At least I sure don't think I have.

This guy may be animated but he is just HOT.
(this was the only DUBBED clip I could really find...)

Yeah Reno go the red haired ponytail!!!!!
And THIS is just a beautiful song the clip isn't that great doesn't quite fit but ah well...not like I could do it any better.

And some more Bright Eyes...

Trying to find a god damn live video of Conor doing Lover I don't have To Love, but they're all pretty crap or else have friggen idiotic girls singing badly so you can't even hear him.
soooo...this one will have to do :D Watch!

I want a boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk.

9:19pm: 11:11 *make a wish..?* NO WAY I FELL FOR THAT LAST YEAR!
Well tonight I'm staying IN for the first time in a looong while. Still stuffed/broke from last night but oh my what a night. Didn't get too many photo opportunities and there were an awful lot that was just me and pants boy pulling faces. Ahh Matt of pants boy. He's awesome though and pretty much everyone else is gay, thoroughly gay. the bad kind of gay. Anyone who doesn't think he's awesome is blind and wrong. I don't like how people will judge someone based on gossip.
Didn't even get a photo of my outfit. I was all sweet and innocent. Uh huh. Yeah. That's right.

Yes yes, red hair. I have a problem. I know I do. I need help.
(naaaahhhh)
( photos )
Oh yeah check the social pages in the Sunday mail tomorrow, you all might be surprised.
Then again, you might not.
*update* Yes you WILL be surprised...TWICE! ;)
Today is the one year anniversary of absolute bull shi**! I think this year's 11:11 is a lot better than last year's though...yepp about 50 times better. Take that, David.

3:55am: Molotov (again)
Quote of the night: (an advertisement for lipstick that won't rub off) 'It's the beerdick of lipstick. You just can't get it off.'
Had a killer time last night. Hell yeah. The place closed at 3 but all my favourite people were there which was groovy. I don't know what I'd do without Mindi, I just don't even wanna think about it!! She's the only one in all the world who feels like I do. If I could choose someone I wanted to have romantic feelings towards it would be her just because she's just like me. Sadly, you can't choose things like that. But that's okay it makes it a little easier to go on breathing just to know that I'm not the only one. And I really hope that I'm right. I really hope that someone will see her the way I do. Truly, there is no hope for me however. But that's okay too. I did what I swore I wouldn't! Ahhh hurry up and get alcohol poisoning and die! Erin you're a fuck wit and I hate you!
Photos.....Some of me modelling my new dress and also some from Molotov last night. Woooo!

Zomg hooker

( Molotov, 4th of November )
Well I'm gonna go get some of these photos developed for my scrapbook and find something to eat perhaps. Meh food is overrated. My dress is seriously UNDERrated. I never wanna wear anything else ever again...
Was I left behind?
</3

6:53am: Faaaiiithhhh
So uhhh what's shakin eljay persons? Michelle and I went to Faith last night for some crazy dancing fun. Mich has some questionable marks on her neck eeehehe I wish I'd thought to get a picture of the hardcore couch action that went down last night. As for me, I looked so hot in my dress that everyone was just like oh my god no way. going to Molotov tonight with Pete and Michelle as well probably (so she can see her neck friend!!) ahhh it's funny. I'm gonna wear THE DRESS again just cuz I can. changing outfits does not make you cool.


Now THAT's an agry loner for you. Hope I get some better pics tonight
Oh yeah my boyfriend got myspace everyone should add him cuz he's arrogant and wants you all to be his myspace friends:
http://www.myspace.com/jackxfox

Well tyler is trying to get inside a goon cask right now and I just ate a lot of swiss cheese. It just doesn't get any better than this.

I love Jack forever and ever and ever and ever...

1:04am: Goths are like emos with more black.
Holy moly what a weekend. This is me trying to 'stay in' = 2 nights of crazy dancing x random friends + dressing like an emo.
Yeah Friday night went to Faith with Pete and met up with Allie. She is still freakin awesome although it was weird hanging out with her and no Nate. Made some friends, (oh em gee and one of them is a cute boy I am like totally crushing!!! (psych)), had nice times with them then bailed on said friends because it was 3am and I was needing to go to bed - ALONE. Seriously good night though and random new friends don't hold it against me. Kind of an emo D-WORD thing to do though wasn't it? Makes me kind of understand why he did that all the time though...Like you just feel tired and long to be home and alone and you can see things going in a way you are not ready for. Anyways... Saturday night was a Halloween party thing at Lovecats, my costume for the was an emo...I even had depressing song lyrics safety pinned to my jeans. People kept giving me bus tickets to cut my wrists with. Funny guys. But I was told that my jeans were not tight enough, but I just don't believe in tight pants. Yeah Michelle came along as well last night it was good fun indeed dancing and everything. Left around 3.30 though I was still tired from Friday night but man what a fun weekend it's so nice to have a good, wholesome time. Well okay maybe not wholesome. I proclaim the corner of the 'couch room' (sex room) to be mine and Michelle's territory. May god have mercy on anyone's souls who venture there...
Well Life: 39765354276 Erin: 2.

12:17pm: You were wrong


He didn't walk away to save me. He walked away to save himself.
I don't deserve a damn thing more. Life was never meant to be fair!
Damn angsty emo kids. We tell ourselves this but we don't accept it and that's the problem.
Norma Jean rocks my god damn shoes off.



The lies are gonna start again and you don't know how hard it is to go on breathing. I hope I look back on this and laugh...
I hope I look back on that and laugh too.
I hope I laugh at this whole damn joke of a life one day.
This joke just doesn't seem funny to me and I'm scared it never will.
Please, someone, tell me it's okay. Please tell me I survived.
No, don't. There's nothing left to save. I'm forgiven but the price is so high and part of me wishes I'd run away. The bats were telling me to run but I never listened to them then and I didn't listen to them that time either.

can'tsleepandfeelconstantlynauseous.

I was so scared of needing anyone that I pushed away the only one I could ever need. Does anyone know how hard that is to live with? But I made it this far just a bit longer just a little further I just know there must be something over the horizon if I could only look up from my shoes.

( I can't take it anymore. When I'm with you, I feel like I'm nothing. I feel like I'm nothing. That's why I flinch when you come to touch me. It's why I never touch you. Why I never even think about it. Because when I start to, it just reminds me that I'm not good enough. )

11:24pm:
I'm so sick of this

staythefuckaway

But I'm okay (trust me).

9:03am: Forgiven
It occurred to me fleetingly but strongly that this picture means that I'm forgiven.
Everything really is okay now, everything really is fine.
I'll never forget the colour of your eyes.
I'll never forget again.

And I'm one step closer to peace of mind....

11:20am: From Autumn to Ashes is my current lover.
(Autumn's Monologue)
Oh why can't I be what you need?
A newer improved version of me
But I'm nothing so good
no, I'm nothing
Just bones, a lonely ghost burning down songs
of violence of love and of sorrow
I beg for just one more tomorrow
where you hold me down, fold me in
deep, deep, deep in the heart of your sins

I break in two over you, oh
I break in two
And each piece of me dies
And only you can give the breath of life
But you don't see me, you don't

Here I'm pinned between darkness and light
Bleached and blinded by these nights
where I'm tossing and tortured 'til dawn
by you, visions of you then you're gone.
The shock bleeds the red from my face
when I hear someone's taking my place.
How could love be so thoughtless, so cruel?
When all, all that I did was for you

I break in two over you, oh I break in two
and each piece of me dies
and only you can give the breath of life
But you don't see me, you don't

I break in two over you, oh
I break in two over you, over you
I break in two
I would break in two for you
Now you see me
Now you don't
Now you need me
Now you don't


(The Fiction We Live)
You might be just what I need
No I would not change a thing
Been dreaming of this so long
But we only exist in this song
The thing is, I'm not worth the sorrow
And if you come and meet me tomorrow
I will hold you down, fold you in
Deep, deep, deep in the fiction we live
I break in two over you
I break in two
And if a piece of you dies
Autumn, I will bring you back to life
Of course I see you
I do.


Nate, what's this good karma you're talking about? Don't make my chest hurt anymore. xxoo

11:35am: Pennylayne and Pete
Got photos? I do. Saw Pennylayne on Friday night with Pete and Skanker. Seriously good times. Although the Valley somewhat sucked after. Last night was Pete's birthday celebration. Seriously drunk times with added fairy wings. Gotta emerge from my emo cesspit and return to work tomorrow I hope it'll be okay.

Dancin dancin
( more pics )

11:51am: The last feeble attempts not to go under and then let go.
Today, I will be the master of my emotions just like I should.
Tomorrow, I will be who they want to see like I always would.
I'll smile for their photos and I'll appreciate every single moment.
And then, it'll be okay, it'll be alright.

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I'm tired and I
I want to go to bed

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
And then leave me alone
Don't try to wake me in the morning
'Cause I will be gone
Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I will feel so glad to go

Don't misunderstand, the only place I'm going is forward. The only thing I'm taking is this feeling because no one can take it from me and that's the way it's meant to be. My favourite memory...That's what I should have left it at and I wish I had. But it's never too late and I'm going to go on. I wont dellude myself this time but I'll go on. And on...

Don't ever think it was a mistake, it was everything I needed and everything I could hope for and I didn't even think I deserved it.
Please don't be unhappy anymore.

( the last thing )